7 Things I learned in my First Year of Marriage

   We got married at age 21 in January 2009 (so 5.5yrs ago at the time that I wrote this). We are officially smack dab in the middle of the first divorce hump (3-7 years), and still going strong. 

We were such babies!

Here are a few helpful pointers I learned in our first year of marital bliss.


1. You will gain weight. 
 All that cuddling and cooking and cuddling and cooking is not countered by the amount of sex you're having. You can't really count it as exercise.

I successfully birthed a second human!

Pictures!

Hubs' mom took my older daughter Maya for the night while I was in labor, so this was her reaction upon coming home the next morning! She was very happy and seemed to understand pretty well where Mama's tummy baby went.

Looove is in the air!

Walking behind an old couple at Fred Meyer, (must've been in their 80s) he stepped behind her to make room in the walkway. Then he said to her, "You're lookin mighty fine from here." I almost teared up.

Married People! Answer my questions!

Please leave your answers in the comments! I'll be writing an entry of all my findings on Sept 15th so check back!

Divorce is not an option. Murder is a possibility.

We come from a divorced country. See?

Divorce statistics in America for marriage

Marriage	Divorce statistics (in percent)
First Marriage	45% to 50% marriages end in divorce
Second Marriage	60% to 67% marriages end in divorce
Third Marriage	70% to 73% marriages end in divorce

* Source of this Divorce Statistics: Jennifer Baker, Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, Springfield  

 Most divorces occur between 3-7 years of  marriage and then again at 20-25 years of marriage. 

Those are the hardest chunks of time in a marriage. I believe it's because of our mindset. Everything around us says date around then break up if it doesn't work out. That's practicing divorce! Go for as long as you feel like you can, then when it gets tough, take care of Number 1.  Of course, sometimes it's not resolvable, but THAT'S WHERE THE PROBLEM IS!

It should always be resolvable as long as both parties entered into the marriage with the same philosophy: "I'm going to die with this person. Divorce is not an option. I am going to do everything I can to make him/her feel loved for the rest of our lives."

Most people go into marriage thinking "This person completes me, loves me, and makes me happy." Me. Me me me me me! If you go into it thinking, "What can this person do for me, to make me happy," then you're headed for a big fat fail. No one will ever live up to that standard. 

They will never be able to make you happy enough. They will never complete you.

me me me me me me

But what if we switch that around? Instead of me me me, we go into it thinking, "How can I make my husband/wife's life better? What can I do to make them happy and put them first?"

Ooh, what do you think of that?
"But wait... If I do that, then how are MY needs going to get met? If I'm constantly thinking about him/her, when do I have time for myself?"

That's the beauty of this arrangement. You have to trust the other person to do that for you. Repeat. 

YOU HAVE TO TRUST the other person to do that for you. 

Your husband/wife takes care of your needs. His/her number one priority is making sure you feel safe and loved and respected. And your number one priority is the same - but for him/her.

But this is where it gets tricky: 

   People are selfish. 

 Eventually the paradigm will switch and both of you will be sitting on the couch, realizing how unloved and unappreciated you feel. If you're like most couples, you'll just learn to take care of yourself again and eventually drift so far apart you 

A) Seek someone else to meet your needs then get divorced because of infidelity 

or B)Get divorced [without infidelity] citing irreconcilable differences and hope the next person you hook up with will fill those gaps.

If you're on the other end of the statistic, you'll realize this relationship takes work. You can't go on autopilot because your pilot is selfish! So you sack up and apologize for not meeting your husband/wife's needs. Because it is your fault. It's your fault for not communicating, not taking care of him/her, and being your own back-up because you don't trust him/her to take care of you. And then he/she will apologize for doing the same thing to you. 

And here's the MOST IMPORTANT part of this:  

Then you commit to to trusting each other to meet each other's needs, selflessly.

Because he/she DOES love you. He/she DOES want to see you happy; there's a sense of accomplishment in seeing someone's joy that you created. Especially in marriage. That's what he/she committed to in the beginning of this deal. If you don't honestly believe that he/she loves you anymore or wants to do right by you, then I strongly suggest you get counseling. But if you still believe it, then you can do this yourselves. You have to do this yourselves. For the sake of the rest of your lives. It just requires trust. Unadulaterated* Unwavering* Trust*

*Unadulterated

 (un·a·dul·ter·at·ed

1. pure: not mixed or diluted with something else
2. absolute: free from any element that would spoil or detract from it)

*Unwavering

  (un·wa·ver·ing

1. steady and firm in purpose: firm in view or purpose and unable to be swayed or diverted from it)

*Trust

   1. reliance: confidence in and reliance on good qualities, especially fairness, truth, honor, or ability

   2. position of obligation: the position of somebody who is expected by others to behave responsibly or honorably

   3. hope for future: hopeful reliance on what will happen in the future

   4. care: responsibility for taking good care of somebody or something

Be encouraged, stick with it. If you're dating someone, be honest with yourself - if there's any inkling in the back of your mind that this person isn't perfect for you, move on. Be picky about who you get into relationships with (and keep it in your pants once you get there). 

Make a wise, thoughtful decison about who you choose to marry. Ask your family, your pastors, your friends for advice. Then once you make that decision, make it firmly. Go to pre-marital counseling. Equip yourselves with the tools to succeed and go against the statistics. It's a two-way street... both parties must be just as enthusiastic about working at this to make it work.

Because once you're in it, you're in it till you die. Divorce is NOT an option.

Keep it in your pants.

There is a very sad epidemic in this country. Kids don't have daddies. 40% of babies born today will grow up without their birth father.

Suicide. 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes *1

Behavioral Disorders. 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes *2

High School Dropouts. 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes  *3


This is not okay. I know, I know, your baby daddy inn't like dat. He's responsible. He graduated high school and has a job! Well, sorry to put this to you, but unless you're really lucky - like, lottery winner lucky - your baby daddy will peace out as soon as it gets tough. See this graph:

All these #s averaged together ~ 40% of all babies born.  Well, you might be saying "That just lists unwed mothers. That doesn't say anything about fatherless kids." Well take a look at this:

What does this mean for YOU?

If you aren't married, especially if you're a minority race (sorry but it's true), please PLEASE keep it in your pants UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED. I don't care if you're on birth control. I don't care if you're "careful" statistics don't lie, and you are not an exception. The only exceptions are the ones who wait to have sex. Wait until they're married. The ones who make decisions based on logic, reason, wisdom. Not heat. Or promises of "trust me" by a man driven by his peep.

When I say 'married' I don't mean the "Hey lets go to Vegas and get married!" kind of wedded status. Not that Vegas weddings don't last, but again, I'm talking statistically speaking. I mean 'married' like those old couple down the street who've been together since they were 16 and still pinch each other's butts. I'm talking think-it-through-seek-wisdom-from-others-and-get-to-know-the-person-without-sex kind of married. Marriage where divorce is not an option.

this.

Not this.

Sex complicates relationships. What movie have you seen when the people were virgins and had a messy breakup? I can't think of any.  But how many TV shows and movies (and real relationships we know of) show people whose hearts are torn up RIGHT after the couple has sex for the first time. Soooooo many...


When you date someone without having sex, you see what their real motives are. Their dreams, their personality without ulterior motives.
READ: YOU ALSO DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT UNPLANNED PREGNANCIES AND STD'S!! 

Believe me, I did it. I made it to the alter not only a virgin, but a 21-year-old who'd never kissed anyone but my husband. I've never had to get an STD screening. I never had to wonder if I was pregnant ouside of wedlock.

We were married 2 years before we got pregnant. After having our daughter, it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I see the kids in our apartment complex dressing like thugs and hussies, caring about no one but themselves. I've asked quite a few of them if they have dads, and I have yet to hear a 'yes.'


Now, I KNOW it's hard to abstain. Like I said, I did it. We screwed up sometimes, never made it to actual sex or anything close, but man did we want to. It's how we're wired. We're MADE to have sex with the person we're attracted to. But it is possible. We're also made with a thing called self-control. It's that thing that keeps us from eating everything in our fridge at once. Keeps us from screaming at our neighbors when they're being stupid. Keeps us from buying anything and everything we like, when we don't have money. It keeps us proud of our decisions.

If you have troubles with those types of things, then you're exactly who I'm talking to.

This is the most important thing you will EVER do. Keep it in your pants. You are not above the statistics. Your boyfriend will not stick around. If he's going to stick around, he'll do it without sex before marriage also (and if so - you've got a keeper!). Guard your heart, and your hoo-ha. Keep it safe for the person who thinks you're worth waiting for. Your happy, healthy, well-adjusted, crime-free kids will thank you later.


Sincerely,
I want the best for you and your unborn children.



*
1. (Source: What Can the Federal Government Do To Decrease Crime and Revitalize Communities? from the National Institute of Justice, 1998, page 11)
2.  (Source: What Can the Federal Government Do To Decrease Crime and Revitalize Communities? from the National Institute of Justice, 1998, page 11)
3.  (Source: What Can the Federal Government Do To Decrease Crime and Revitalize Communities? from the National Institute of Justice, 1998, page 11.)


 Ps.
Children of smokers are have a 70% chance of smoking by age 15. Quit now.