Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Five Stages of Mommy Hygiene

It's no secret that parents run short on time when kids are involved. Well, I was taking a shower this evening (after three days without one), and I came up with a list I think other moms (or dads) could relate to.

1.  The Pit Stop
      This is when you have absolutely zero time but you don't feel right about releasing your stench on society. So you hit the absolute bare minimums: armpits and greasy hair. Baby wipes, pat dry, then deodorant for the pits, and baby powder for the hair. Quick, effective, odor-suppressing. At least now you don't look the way you feel. Hopefully...

2.  The Sink Shower
      The kids need to be bathed/brushed/dressed, the laundry needs to be flipped to the dryer, and the sink is full. You realize you have an appointment in a couple hours and you need to go to the grocery store. Yeah that's enough time. So you stick your head under the sink faucet, pour some shampoo in your hand and try to get most of it on your head instead of the counter. Maybe your hair will airdry if you open your car window on the drive over.

3.  The Standard
     Lather. Rinse. Exit. About the time you're putting in conditioner, there's a child knocking on the bathroom door or peeking their head in the shower curtain, pointing out all your anatomicals and getting soap splashed in their eye. You have exactly enough time to fully wash your hair and body before one kid figures out the child-proof locks and stuffs the other into whatever the locks were "protecting".

4.  The Deluxe
     Much like the Standard, except the spouse or Grandma is there monitoring the household, so you get to shave. Shaving is enough for me to give this type of shower its own category.

5.  The Super Deluxe:
      Think candles and low lights. Think Celtic flutes and the sound of the ocean on your playlist. This is for those rare and beautiful moments when you have a large amount of time to yourself... when no little fists are knocking on the door, no panicked spouse is calling for assistance with a poop explosion. Usually the kids need to be scheduled out-of-the-house for this kind of bathing. It's this quiet time when you once again realize how relaxing full submersion in hot water feels, how fun bubbles can be, and someday I am definitely installing a jacuzzi tub because this thing is entirely too small.

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